The One I'll Always Know
by ihearttvsnark
Summary: As Spencer reels from the news about Jason, she wonders if things will ever be the same again. Spoiler through 2.19 The Naked Truth.


**The One I'll Always Know**

It wasn't too hard for Spencer to avoid going home the day after the lock in. She made sure her mother was distracted with the teachers and then slipped out a different entrance, carefully evading Jason's prying eyes as well. In certain ways, she knew he was a victim too but right now it was just too much for her to deal with her own issues, let alone try to wrap her head around his feelings on the subject. He'd barely said anything after she'd confronted him and that was going to have to be enough of a sibling bonding moment for the time being.

Spencer briefly considered telling her friends what had happened. She knew Emily had spotted her staring out the window before the phone call had come in from whoever that person was who knew Ali as Vivian. But she stopped herself; rationalizing that it was because they had enough going on with the mystery caller and figuring out the best plan to uncover his identity and his connection to Ali. There was no point in burdening her friends with something else on top of that.

Of course there was a part of her that couldn't help thinking that she was just following the Hastings' tradition of burying things that no one wanted to talk about. Her family loved to keep secrets and pretend that they were the perfect family when nothing could be farther from the truth. Everything they allegedly stood for was a joke and Spencer was disgusted by all of it. She'd meant it when she'd told her mother that she didn't know what home was anymore.

But she had more important things to do then dwell on her family issues. Spencer spent the entire day with her friends, mapping out strategies and determining exactly what they were going to say when they met with Vivian's friend the next day. Her cell phone buzzed constantly with messages and calls from her parents, but Spencer ignored them and deleted the voicemails without listening to them. She wasn't ready to see them or talk to them or hear whatever pathetic excuses her father was going to give her for being a liar and a cheater.

It was nearly eleven by the time everyone left Hanna's and went their separate ways. Spencer got in her car and drove for awhile, trying to decide if she should get a motel room or if she should just ask Aria if she could stay at her house for the night. She knew Aria wouldn't ask too many questions if she didn't want her to. But instead, Spencer found herself at the bluff, sitting on the ground and staring out over the city. She wanted to cry or scream or possibly both, but there was a numbness inside of her that wouldn't let her feel anything except cold.

Spencer was too lost in her thoughts to hear footsteps behind her and it wasn't until she felt a hand on her shoulder that she realized she wasn't alone anymore. A scream tore from her throat as she scrambled to get up, desperate to get away as she mentally scolded herself for being so stupid.

"Spencer, it's me. Spencer!"

The tears that had refused to fall pooled in her eyes as she whirled around and saw Toby behind her, a look of concern on his face. "Toby!" Spencer flung herself into his arms, wrapping hers around his neck as the tears started to pour down her cheeks. "You're here," she whispered against his chest as her body was racked with sobs.

His grip tightened on her as he stroked her hair and just held her while she cried. At some point, they ended up on the ground again even though Spencer had no recollection of sitting down. She clung to Toby until she was practically gasping for breath and only then did she finally manage to get a grip and stop crying. Spencer pulled back just enough so she could lift her head and meet his gaze. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"You called me," Toby replied simply. He gently wiped the tears from her cheeks and then cupped her face in his hands, searching her eyes to try and see who or what had hurt her so much. "You said you needed me. What happened, Spencer?"

She had been leaving him messages since the day he'd left. Spencer knew it was wrong and she was pushing her luck with A, but she'd wanted Toby to know that she was thinking about him and that she missed him and that she was sorry. She wanted him to be safe, but she hadn't wanted him to disappear from her life altogether. The last time she'd called him had been right after she'd had the fight with her mother at the lock in.

"Toby, I can't believe you came back for me," Spencer whispered as fresh tears welled in the corners of her eyes. She took another deep breath, doing her best not to let the tears fall. She'd hurt him and lied to him and had literally driven him to leave town and he had still come back because she'd told him that she needed him. She didn't deserve him.

"I love you," Toby reminded her. He brushed his thumb over her chin, keeping her face in his hands and not allowing her to look away even as the shame coursed through her. "Tell me what happened, Spencer," he said.

Spencer took another deep breath and then she told him what she'd found out about Jason. She filled him in on the argument she and Ali had overheard years ago and how Alison had jumped to the right conclusion but Spencer hadn't understood what she'd meant until she'd heard her mother and Jason fighting. She told Toby about the fight she'd had with her mother. "I just felt so lost, Toby. It's like I don't even know who I am or who my family is. I can't go back there," she whispered.

"You're going to be okay," Toby assured her as he leaned in closer, resting his forehead against hers. "You're stronger than this, Spencer. You're stronger than them. You're still the same amazing person you've always been and you're not going to let your parents or anyone else tell you otherwise. You're going to be okay," he said again.

Her chest tightened at the certainty in his voice. "How can you be so sure? I'm exactly like my father. I lie to the people who matter most to me." Spencer barely got the words out before the tears blurred her vision. She blinked them away and focused on Toby's face. "I hurt you and you still came here for me. I'm just as bad as he is," she said.

Toby shook his head. "No, you're not. Spencer, I don't know why you're keeping things from me but I know you believe it's the right thing to do. It's not," he told her pointedly, "but that doesn't make me love you any less. I just wish you'd let me in."

"I want to," Spencer replied. She desperately wanted to tell him everything, but the risk was too great. A had already tried to kill Toby twice and Spencer was not going to be the reason that bitch went after him again. "It has to be this way for now, Toby. But I've never stopped loving you and I never will." She closed the distance between them, pressing her lips against his in a frantic kiss. "I miss you," she whispered when the kiss broke.

Toby pulled her close to him again, letting her rest her head against his chest as he held her tightly in his arms. "I miss you too, Spencer." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and then rested his head against hers.

Spencer just took the comfort he offered and tried not to think about the fact that he was going to leave again or that her entire life was a mess. In that moment, nothing mattered except the two of them and she closed her eyes, thinking about how lucky she was to have Toby in her life.


End file.
